For those of you with older kids at home, what do you do regarding dig money?
I’ve got an 18 year old and the agreement was that as long as he pitches in around the house (bins are his responsibility - emptying into the wheelie bins and putting out whichever one it is that week) and attends his college course then he can keep his money. He’s at college 2.5 days a week and then work for the rest, clearing around £900 a month.
The issue is he is always fucking “forgetting” to put the bins out. Even when I’ve bought him a fucking echo so he can set up reminders etc.
There’s myself, my wife and the 5 kids (10-18) so there’s a fuckton of rubbish. Missing it even once causes massive ballache. Thing is, he’s always forgetting.
Came to a head this morning because, once again, he forgot. This is after messaging me last night 15 minutes before he was due home asking to have someone stay, so I changed all my plans to accommodate. And the shit didn’t put the bins out again.
I feel like I’m going round in circles with him and it’s beginning to really affect me. Stressing to fuck over bins, what even is that!
Only thing I can think of is to start charging him dig money now. I’m sick bending over backwards for him not to pitch in with this one thing.
Does that seem reasonable? Or am I being a crabit bastard? What amounts are people taking from their weans etc here? Was thinking £100 since I easily spend more than that on keeping the lazy shit each month.
Edit to add - Dig Money meaning money he pays towards household expenses :)
He’s 18. He’s not a kid, and he’s perfectly capable of putting bins out. I have no idea what dig money is but if he’s being given it (or getting to keep it? idk) for constantly “forgetting” his responsibilities then he’s not exactly got motivation to start “remembering” has he?
Dig money, money for diggs, money for accommodation
Lol, rent. Yeah, should charge him rent and give him a discount if he puts out the bins or other chores.
Ah right so this is money he’s not currently being charged to stay there, I getcha.
Aye that’s my thinking at least. It’s been going on for ages as well, and no matter what I do or say it’s just not getting through.
I’m trying to set him up to be able to cope on his own and if he can’t (or worse, won’t) engage and start pitching in with such a small ask then he’s gonna be fucked when he’s trying to stay afloat on his own.
There has to be a consequence to forgetting it, otherwise he won’t care. Teen have gotten stern takings to so often it doesn’t feel like much of a consequence. Charge him £5 every time he forgets?
This is it, you might feel bad or like you’re being harsh (and he probably will too, because being a kid and not having to think about bins is brilliant), but it’s ultimately for his own good so he doesn’t end up one of these “I had a roommate who didn’t even know how the washing machine worked” stories in a couple of years time.
Mostly unrelated but anyone with that many kids must be a bit insane.
I think it’s more than fair to say if he’s earning and living with you, he should be paying (even on top of the chores). £100/mo is more than fair on £900 earnings, I’d even go so far as to say £50/week is reasonable given the prices right now.
As for forgetting the chores, if he’s anything like I was at that age, I’d imagine he doesn’t care enough about the negative concequences of forgetting to do the chore to care about remembering, which is a hard thing to beat. It’s unlikely he understands the importance of doing chores, which will obviously create problems for others in the years to come as he moves into houseshares with others.
The best solution I can think of is a two-pronged approach: speak to him and explain you’d like for him to be more responsible since he’ll be forced to be responsible for himself when he moves out. Second, start charging for keep too, but offer a return on rent if he remembers to put the bins out by a certain time (one that isn’t too late for you, since you will be the one that will be doing the job by default). Another idea I’ve seen, if you feel guilty taking more money than you need from him, is to keep aside some or all of it as savings for him, to give to him when he moves out to allow for him to pay his deposit and for anything he needs to buy when he moves in to his new place.
On the money thing, I’ve always liked the idea that I take some of the adult kids money and store it away for them for when they move out.
My kids are far too young for that, but I don’t think a bit of that sort of thing hurts in the long run. He’s earning significantly more than I was at his age and he’s not paying much at all; I’d give £150 a month to live at home 15 years ago, and I never saw any of it back.
Charge him board. It’ll benefit him in the long run, especially if you fence off some of that money to give him later.
I’d say £200 a month with a £50 a week discount every week he puts the bins out in a timely manner without being asked.
Gice him the ‘real’ renting and charge 27% of his salary, 49% if you’re in/near London. Add 1/7 of your gas/elec/phone bill and you’re there!
I don’t live at home, but my parents charge my adult siblings a share of all household expenses. So they pay their share of electricity etc.
They call it rent, but they forget there’s no actual rent component, it’s just shared living costs.
Why don’t you give him other responsibilities, like cleaning the floor, dishwasher duty, etc. Something that wouldn’t stress you out if he doesn’t do it.
And if he doesn’t do that one, no money. That was the agreement right?
He’s “served his time” with dishes. He started work as a kitchen porter a few months ago, so we agreed that ge should get a pass on doing the dishes at home. The next oldest two kids have that fun task now!
Due to the time he gets off etc we agreed the bins were the best candidate. Get home; empty bins; stick em out if needed. But apparently it’s too big of an ask.
There’s a couple ways I see it. Make the negative consequence or positive reward enough that he makes the effort to remember on his own.
You could also talk him through what happens when bin night gets missed. Where does he think the trash will go? How often does trash go out and how quickly do the bins fill up? How long does it take to catch up on a missed night? Maybe don’t rescue him when he forgets and make him figure out the answer to those questions.
If he’s having this much trouble with simple tasks, it might be an idea to ask his GP if he might have ADHD. They’ll at least know enough to see if it’s worth getting tested.
This was my first thought, too.
My kids are far younger, but we’ve already started making them pitch in. My eldest is 12 and lazy as fuck. We struggled with him a bit.
What it took was for him to see his Mum struggling (she has a debilitating and lifelong condition) to the point she broke down and cried about how hard it all is.
And now he helps out. Not much, but it’s a start.
So my suggestion is, show him you’re Human instead of a parent, break down and go spare with him about it a bit. Then get the opposite parent to go and have a quiet word about how much it’s upsetting the other one.
We try to be good parents so much that we forget to show our kids that we are humans. I work, parent and clean and it’s tiring but that’s life. If he’s just working and wanking, that’s not being an adult.
He’s old enough to be on his own, and almost to that point in his life. You’ve given him a considerable opportunity to get ahead in life and he doesn’t recognize it because he’s never had it anything but good.
Think about it this way, he’s about to move out and probably get roommates. If he was in charge of that task for the household where he has roommates and then he causes them hardship every week, what do you think would happen? A good number of people would tell him he needs to move out and find somewhere else to live. You’re not being unreasonable in your expectations of him. If you want to play hardball, tell him he needs to move out if he can’t commit 6 minutes per week to help his entire family. You’re giving him tons of help and it’s wrong that he’s just taking that and giving nothing in return.
If you’re not going to play hardball (which is probably best) and he can’t take care of the responsibility then he needs to pay someone else to do it. You don’t want to do it. Right? Tell him to find a reliable business that offers that service and hire them. When he sees the financial cost of his laziness, he might decide he really needs to do it. The whole job takes like 3 minutes, twice a week, so it’s preposterous that it’s even an issue.
I liked another idea that another poster had of charging him $50 per week and then reducing his rent by that much if he does the job. But then you’re still in the situation where you have to babysit him every week or he causes you hardship. These are the types of arrangements you make with 12 year olds, not 18 year olds. So make him pay someone else to do it.
The best solution is probably to just give him other jobs instead of this one. Make him mop the floors, or clean the bathroom, or something that doesn’t cause everyone problems if he’s a day late. He’ll probably be wishing for the glory days of trash duty when he’s scrubbing a toilet.
