Being on friendly terms with past partners is another one. Or for that matter cherishing the memories of the good times with those partners. A lot of people seem to think that after a breakup you should hate your ex forever and burn all pictures, throw away any object they ever gave you,… but that is actually quite unhealthy (unless abuse or stalking or similar things were involved of course). If a relationship does not work out that doesn’t mean that other options, such as friendship, might not be on the table and even if they aren’t that doesn’t mean you can’t treat each other like regular acquaintances when you randomly meet somewhere. Obviously they might not be an option immediately after a breakup but once time has dulled the pain a bit a friendship is absolutely possible with someone you initially shared enough interests with to try a relationship.
I feel that. It may be hard to believe but the breakup was amicable. It’s just really hard to make a 7 time zone difference work, especially almost 20 years ago when video chat was not what it is today. The few times we had together I really do cherish, but it was not the right time or place. We’re now only 1 time zone apart and haven’t seen each other since her wedding, but we do still keep up with each other periodically.
It is possible to be happy for an ex and really wish them the best.
It is possible to be happy for an ex and really wish them the best.
That is even possible if you have no desire to spend time with them yourself any more. Not everyone who is incompatible with you is a bad person who deserves a bad life, in fact most people are not.
I recall someone asking “Then why did you break up if you are good buds?”.
Sometimes it’s easier being friends rather.Exes belong to life and memories as much as anyone in any other role. No need to forget them any more or less than anyone else (painful feelings and memories are another story).
Sometimes you can take a pause after a breakup to kill feels and later come back to friendly terms.
When they mention that someone else is attractive. This is often seen as a red flag by people with insecurities but really it means your partner trusts you enough to actually mention such attractions. The state some insecure people want is that their partner is never attracted to anyone else but that is completely unrealistic. So the actual choice is between honesty and lies. And you do not want your partner to have to constantly watch every word they utter around you to coddle your insecurities as that will likely lead to worse communication between you in general. This goes for other topics as well of course but jealousy inducing ones are very common.
My fiancee and I always point out good looking/hot people to each other. No trust issues, we’re both with each other because we want to. Nothing forcing us to stay together.
My parents both do this, but they’re bisexual swingers… So the moral of the story is that there can be many reasons for doing things
To be nice or friendly with kids.
As a man (I know starting a sentence that way can also be a red flag), I’m always nervous when kids interact with me.
It feels like I’m being judged harshly for just wanting to be friendly and that I could so quickly be accused of being a pervert or worse.
So I just don’t interact with them.
My policy as a recently new father will also probably be that I won’t have my daughter’s friends over when I’m the only adult present.
Get this: my friend is “not allowed” to be left alone with his daughter. His own daughter. If wife needs to go out without baby, baby gets dropped off at grandparents (wife’s parents) instead of just staying home with dad. What’s even more ridiculous is his profession is early childhood educator. He’s more qualified than most other parents out there, male or female. I don’t know how he puts up with being insulted like that.
That’s actually disgusting. Does he want it like this for some reason? Is there something in the past? Or is it just “penises will rape, that’s what they do”?
I don’t know how he puts up with it, but I do know why. He was alone since he was a teen, and now his wife and in-laws are his only family. His dream has always been having a family and community. He’ll bend over backwards to please his in-laws. It’s unfortunate they treat him like that, and while his wife is sweet, she’s a pushover and doesn’t stand up for him.
Why the in-laws are like that? I don’t know.
Why the in-laws are like that? I don’t know.
Projection. Definitely projection. Makes me trust them a lot less & I’m scared for that little girl.
I can only speak for myself, but one of my problems is that since a kid I’ve been going along with people to avoid conflict.
What this means is that when someone else views me as dangerous or untrustworthy, I automatically play along and treat myself as dangerous.
It’s only been in the past few months that I’ve become aware of this and started shutting it down. I’m in my 42nd year right now.
It feels so much better to treat myself as the person I know myself to be. But these masks we put on in early childhood are easy to mistake for our own faces.
Of course it makes little sense that he would go along with this. But why in god’s name would she want to stay married to someone she doesn’t trust with his own children?
He’s probably been trained to expect heavy punishment for standing up for himself
That’s beyond insulting, I’d call that a controlling / abusive relationship. And if his wife seriously thinks he’s a risk to their child why the fuck would she have a baby with him and stay with him? That poor kid is going to grow up with a really damaging view of men, male / female relationships, and parental relationships.
I HAVE been accused of being a pervert, once, and it was fucking weird
Was at the store and some kid walked up to me thinking I was my dad (works at a local school and we look a lot alike, have the same name even)
Told the kid nah, that he had mistaken me for my dad, and then suddenly his mom appears and grabs the kid while telling me to “stay away from her kid you long haired freak”
Again, I look like my dad (he also has long hair) to the point of this kid mistaking me for him, yet I was still some random creep to this lady
People stop seeing normal human dudes in public once a kid is around and it can really suck sometimes
I had the cops called on me for taking my own kids to the park.
I’m sorry for this. I adore seeing men being fathers, being positive adults in the lives of children. my own dad was more absent than not, but my grandfathers taught me a lot about how to be a decent human being, how to have relationships with others.
please don’t be absent for your daughter just because too many people have forgotten men are also capable of being nurturing adults for children.
Yup. On the one hand he’s got the avoidance of conflict with people who distrust him. And on the other hand he has his daughter’s wellbeing. I hope he chooses to accept the conflict in order to be present for his daughter.
What kind of society or culture considered being friendly towards children a red flag? Spoken as both a father of two and former child: you can be friendly to children without being a creep.
Spoken as a non-father it’s not so easy.
I accept the risk because I refuse to participate in a system that cuts off kids from the adults around them, but I know that when I talk to a child I’m almost certainly going to be seen as a pedophile for it.
I was going for just being nice and helpful.
Not talking all the time when spending time together. Being able to just quietly enjoy each other’s company sometimes is actually a good thing since it allows both partners to relax without constantly worrying about keeping their partner’s attention or keeping them entertained.
Currently sitting next to silent bf silently. We just grunt at each other for days in a row. Live with someone wanting constant interaction = hell.
My wife and I have a whole system:
- one grunt = I love you / thanks
- two grunts = I want attention and love
- one long grunt = I am in whine mode and want to talk about it
- two short grunts = I want to fuck you
- three short grunts = I’m hungry and want snacks
Tim? How’s Mr. Wilson these days? lol
What happens if you don’t hear the first of three short grunts? Does one of you wonder why the other one is naked when they really just want a burrito?
¿Por que no los dos?
So the cherries and whipped cream are for five grunts. Interesting.
Haha this is wholesome! 💗
Taking some time to calm down during a fight if getting angry/sad/whatever.
The other party might think that you are running away.Make sure they know that you continue once calmed down.
It’s very important, if you need, to take a short rest to recover some HP at the least or a long rest if you need your party at full fighting potential.
Well, maybe so.
They will put your intimidation, charisma and other skills related to the Ultimate test nevertheless!
Being underemployed. As long as they meet their obligations, I applaud people who don’t live for work.
If a person can readily describe their failings it could seem like a red flag because they have failings, but everyone has failings and being aware of them is a positive.
Also, the only way one can improve themselves is if they acknowledge their failings first. It doesn’t have to be public, but if it is, it means they have already made their first step.
If you don’t cringe at some of your behaviors 10 years ago, then you’re either a a teenager or somehow stopped maturing.
Idk. I recognize a lot of my beliefs and behaviours as cringe, but I think I’ve cringed so hard at them that I’m now on the other side of that. I look back at my ignorant, gullible, past-self with compassion and the understanding that I’m still likely holding on to incorrect beliefs (and that I’ll likely continue to grow through them) It’s partly why I tend to be so argumentative, I think. (How do you grow without challenge?)
I currently hold the belief of: Love yourself, it’ll help to generate more compassion for those around you
(Though I confess I still have many moments of wanting to call people idiots, and it takes a lot to realize that I, too, could be the idiot. It’s a process, ya know?)
Not having a Facebook profile. I’ve had someone initially refuse to associate with me on the basis that they couldn’t investigate my life beforehand.
I just laughed and asked them how they managed to survive before the Internet (we were both old enough). We both got over the weirdness of the situation, built a robot, and were friends for a while before they moved away.
I’m sad now that I’ve never had a “build a robot together” friend
Well, you can have one now, if you want!
I usually build around the Pi pico as a brain, L9110 motor controllers, N20 DC brushed motors, and a standard 18650 lithium cell, and some generic BMS + switch mode voltage converters. From there you can either add sensors and make it autonomous (more challenging), or just control it via your smartphone (easier). You can either make it omnidirectional with mecanum wheels, (more expensive) or turn/forward/back motion only with a differential drive.
Along the way you’ll learn to solder and code, if you don’t know already. It’s a suitable beginner to intermediate project. Most of the work is knowing what cheap parts work well together (read and interpret lots of datasheets), actually assembling and using the robot is pretty easy. Usually I can keep cost under 50$, but parts are cheap here – certainly under 75$ in the West though.
Well damn… Now I have another project!
I have a Pi 3 sitting around that I used to use for Octoprint, but when I rearranged my workstation I didn’t have room for the monitor so I just went back to SD carding it. I picked up an end of service Chromebook that I was going to dump Linux on and make it my new print server, so the Pi is free.
I’m going to end up with my own little astromech Droid!
What was the robot for?
Signing up for facebook
Everything was going well until the box I am not a robot had to be checked…
For increasing the number of robots in the world, mainly!
I create things for filthy lucre all day at work – “those must stoop, who gather gold”. In my limited spare time, I mostly do the opposite – I create things mostly just to create things, I don’t worry about practical applications :D
I do design robots for STEM education at work though, and it shared a lot with those designs…
Making life choices different from the societal standard (e.g. not wanting children or not wanting a marriage). Sure, if your own desires are incompatible with that you might need to find someone else but a lot of people who do go with the societal standard actually just do so because they never thought about alternatives and have a rather romanticized notion of that default option and might still grow to regret it later which can then often lead to breakups/divorce if that only happens to one partner in the relationship. People who make different choices at least thought about what they want. Basically you want a partner who has already thought about these and not one who only discovers their actual preferences on these options a few years into your relationship.
So many ladies have asked me why I don’t want kids that I needed to make a list 😂
Copy-pasting is easier and much faster 😂Hear, hear for the examined life!
Any size.
If you’re colorblind.
For people who value reading: if they have no books on their shelves. They might be avid readers of ebooks, or just use the library.
But this should clear itself up with a rather simple discussion started by mentioning a book you read recently.
But not having books on your shelves is not a green flag, it just might not be a red flag.
The most prolific readers I know use the library almost exclusively. Real book a week people don’t buy the books they read! They’d be broke!
That said, they still own a million books because even if they’re only buying a fraction, they still fill up their bookcases
My bookshelf is a time capsule of books until about 15 years ago when I got my first ebook reader. Everything has been digital since then.
I have a library membership of course, but I mostly make use of a digital ebook subscription service. It’s so much easier than reserving books and wait-lists for the digital catalogue of the library.
Totally this I read an absolute ton (and more even if you count audio books, which I do) and the vast majority is from the library. Even easier now with ebooks and apps. I’ve still got a pretty full bookshelf though of things like Illustrated editons, some real nice printings of some of my favorites, older books, and comics/graphic novels.
My biggest issue with libraries is the limited selection, how much time it takes and the how inconvenient it is to find new books.
The most prolific readers I know use the library almost exclusively. Real book a week people don’t buy the books they read! They’d be broke!
A book a week? What am I going to do with the rest of my time?
185 books so far this year, no library card. e-books are a lot cheaper than physical books.
For me the biggest problem with libraries is the limited selection of books. As a kid, before e-readers were a thing, I was a member of 3 different libraries just to get access to enough new reading material. E-books are a blessing for those who like to read a lot.
I love reading but just can’t, attention deficit is hard, and when I do have interest on a book/long text, I end up falling asleep two pages in, max three. I hate it ! I WANT to read this book bit keep falling asleep.
Have you tried audio books? And then combining that with a different activity, like driving? Or it makes chores way better! Like I can only listen to this while doing dishes and now dishes don’t suck so much
They might also just have bad eyesight or a job that causes a lot of eye-strain so they might prefer podcasts or audio-books.
All these stupid “ignore them to seem attractive because interested = unsexy”
Not being a virgin anymore? Thats something good too.
Having actively broken up a past relationship, knowing barriers.
Hanging out with friends rather than you sometimes, which is really important “relationship time management”
Not being a virgin anymore? Thats something good too.
I find it absurd that virginity or lack thereof has any bearing.
Experience is often good to have.
100%, people who fetishize virginity are fucking weird and people who “preserve their virginity” usually have some weird culty background that they’ll need to work through.
Sex is just sex.
For sex-only relations, sure. For a full on relationship? Nah, it has no bearing. I’ve dated a virgin that was manipulative as fuck, another that has been the best partner one could ask for, and have had similar experiences with those that have had past sexual encounters.
Their sexual past or lack thereof frankly doesn’t matter. You need to look elsewhere for substantial indicators of their character and your compatibility.
Eh.
Some people take years to learn to play guitar poorly.
Some people pick it up in a month.
Natural talent and an ability to follow directions goes a long way.
Some people take years to learn to play guitar poorly.
I feel they’re not training often enough to actually grow their skills in it.
Natural talents do help but repetition, motivation and using time on it are probably the three most important aspects in learning (new) stuff.If they play poorly after years, they don’t lack talent, they lack doing the right thing. If you train the wrong thing over and over thinking it’s right, you may never figure out the problem
Not for the abusers. They’d rather shape your experience and groom you into a perfect abuse victim.
The more partners someone has had the less likely they are to stay with one.
If you’re looking for a one night stand then sure. For long term relationships though…
I disagree.
More partners -> more experience + more learning about yourself -> knowing better what you need and want -> easier to find a suitable partner in a way that you know better what you need.
I for one have been with a few ladies already and I value serious relationships much more than one night stands.
I’ve been together with M’Lady (current) for more than a year.I’m older but no, no, no. Enjoying sex is important to me, and I think most people who enjoy sex got there with recreational sex. Both me & the husband had plenty of fun between relationships and both of us had had a 20 year monogamous run. Having sex with just one person is easier when you have the experience to know how good it is.
I guess it feels magical to be someone’s first.
But as @otp said - experience brings knowledge of yourself and others and can make stuff more enjoyable and easier to do.True, prior experience does bring prior knowledge of yourself, but for me, exploration has always been a key factor in a relationship, in all aspects. Like, what new memories did you make together, what unique things did you do together, etc.
Exploration of the self should be a constant thing, and while it’s certainly no bad thing to have some basics checked off, that kind of discovery should be happening in meaningful relationships whether it’s your first or your hundredth.
exploration has always been a key factor in a relationship
Nothing wrong with that.
We have new things to experience in other stuff of life too..
Exploration of the self should be a constant thing
You can do it in many different surroundings and variables. Another situation teaches X better than another. Some situation might not teach anything.
So, you can learn things about yourself in a relationship or after that never occurred to you before.
I don’t think I would want to date someone that was a virgin; they wouldn’t know what they actually liked or didn’t like (fantasies are significantly different from real life; the things you fantasize about may not work for you IRL), and I wouldn’t be interested in trying to guide them to a conclusion that may not align with my desires at all.
I had a partner that did all of that for me, and in the end, we weren’t aligned. She ultimately didn’t get what she wanted, because we couldn’t reach an agreement. Or, we couldn’t reach an agreement until it was too late.
Hmm. Good point.
Some of us are ready to try that stuff out too, but there are risks involved that you mentioned.
Any bearing might be taking it a bit far. If we’re both in our 30s and you’ve never had a relationship grow to the place of trust where sex occurs, I’m very interested in the why. It’s not an automatic deal breaker either way, but as you age, it does communicate something about you, at least in Western cultures where sex outside of marriage is hardly taboo.
I would say it’s fair to ask why, so long as there isn’t any sort of judgement attached.
Some people simply choose not to and that’s fine. It may not be how you and I live but it’s a valid choice.
Some people don’t wanna do it before wedlock. Also a valid choice but you do need to consider if that works for you.
Some also have traumas around the subject, like if their only experience was sexual assault or rape.
If it turns out the reasons are to do with simply being undesirable for one reason or another, chances are you’ll notice those before you notice the fact they haven’t had sex.
Also the reason could be that they’re just not interested in sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I have no interest in a sexless relationship. I want to be with someone who has a similar attitude towards and drive for sex.
And what does it communicate ? I’m genuinely curious.
That’ll vary from person to person, as it can give insight into how they see themselves and what they expect of relationships, possibly other very different things. After all, someone remaining virgin because they firmly believe it should only happen after marriage is very different from someone who is just too socially awkward. A past trauma could also be a reason, so, again, it’s something to better know and understand the person.
There’s no way to know until you ask, but to me it might mean that they have quite low self esteem, or the opposite, that they have an inflated view of themselves that no one was good enough for them.
It could also communicate that sex or physical intimacy is not important to them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it would certainly affect my interest in anything past a platonic friendship with them.
Lol that like about anything about your life isn’t it? Why is this more important than anything else?
I was only disputing that op said it should have “no bearing” not that it’s the most important thing.
Also though, compatible levels of interest in sex is extremely important in monogamous relationships. For any other interest or need I can engage alone or with friends if my partner isn’t interested. For sex, I need my partner to be on board.
Here you’re supposing that a virgin will be by choice.
Being a healthy weight - as misinterpreted by shallow young people that “want dat thigh gap”.
“Thigh gap” doesn’t typically happen at a healthy weight. That’s usually a sign of being underweight.
Do people still talk about thigh gaps? I know there’s still an unhealthy obsession with being underweight, but I thought that went out of style with Kony 2012.
There are a few people that would naturally get them at a healthy weight but yea… thigh gaps are usually a sign of an eating disorder.
A mindset of a few HAES morons who can’t understand that an unexcessive diet isn’t pure torture and are in denial, (willfully or not,) about what the other sex finds or should find attractive.
Go to any porn site and look at the most popular videos, they’re the body type that most people find attractive. Whereas chubby/fat fetishises are always much more niche.
Inb4: I’m not saying that we should all be unhappy unless we have pornstar quality bodies/partners, I know that they’re simply unattainable for many people and that it is a fantasy style of thinking. I’m saying that implying that people are sick in the head for being attracted to the most popular body types and trying to shame people in to accepting your unhealthy lifestyle is full on denial.
Edit: People will downvote me for “being an arsehole”, but I’m here to debate the truth of things the way I see them. Not to try the gentle/soft approach or to try being your friend. Sometimes the truth hurts.
A lot of the body types that are considered attractive at any given time in history (which varies over time) are quite unhealthy ones as well. Just think of the anorexic supermodels of the 1990s or the corsets that restricted breathing for an hourglass figure.
Just think of the anorexic supermodels of the 1990s
Heroin chic is back btw.
I’m not arguing that.
I’m arguing that guilt tripping anyone for being attracted to the most popular body types for no other reason than you not wanting to lose excess weight is silly and that simultainiously no one should be shamed for trying to achieve or maintain that attractive body type.
Fat arses at their battle stations in mom’s basement can seeth all they like. Stacy likes Chad, not your sweaty blob of a body, and no, your great personality will not make up for that.
Stacy likes Chad
You’ve outed yourself as the basement dweller who spends more time with porn than with actual women.
I know it’s meme terminology, it doesn’t change the point I’m trying to make and you’re just arguing about semantics.
I will admit that I used to look at women way out of my league and they were definitely not looking back, that’s what inspired me to get fit. Call me vain or a fashion victim or porn addict or anything else. I get the attention that I want now and your name calling means nothing to me, chunkystyles.
Just FYI, using the concept of “leagues” is definitely a red flag.
People is people.
Interesting opinion, I’ve never heard that before.
I think attractive people mostly seek relationships with other attractive people, I don’t think that’s controversial.
How many couples do you know where one is absolutely stunning with a fit body and the other looks a roast ham? You could probably cherry pick a few but it’ll be a huge minority or you’ll find out that the ugly one is a multi millionaire or something.
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That’s great. It is all about Stacy’s mom, though. I hear she has it going on! 🎵
Conversely, ask any stripper, and they’ll tell you it’s the girls with more common body types that get the most tips. The explanation is usually that these girls look more attainable.
Them being happy for how they are, like myself being happy while larger.
Especially when it’s something that goes against “societal norms” like diet culture.
Close to where I was aiming
Each and every person is born with a preference of how they want to be, including body size.
Having a diet for weight loss when this is done in complete free will, safety and love for self should be absolutely celebrated. And the exact same is for having a diet for weight gain. As long as it’s for reaching what the person feels the most comfortable in being, that being (almost) any variation strong, thin or fat, it should be celebrated.
What I was trying to say is the beauty of being happy in whatever body you are, or want to have. Everyone should be completely free to be the real them, and what they think suits them the most.
Chemistry and attraction.
How is that a red flag? Did you misread the OP’s question?
Loads of people have habitual attraction to unhealthy relationship patterns.
Being drawn to the same kind of asshole over and over can feel like a chemical green flag, wisdom and experience show it’s a red flag and things always end the same unhappy way
Fair enough, but it’s not like you should pursue people you don’t find attractive or have any chemistry with. That’s more of a self-red-flag that you need to work on yourself before get out there.
When lust was just the appetizer before love, not just empty calories as usual.
