I’m an introvert and I like going to work to do my job and go home. I don’t understand people who use a job as a substitute for friendship or marriage. It’s a means to an end.
The sooner I do my duties, the longer my downtime is going to be, and I love having my downtime.
Many of my colleagues see me and immediately start asking questions I don’t want to answer, but neither do I want to hurt their feelings, I mostly want to be left alone. In the past this has been deconstructed as arrogance and people with fragile egos feel insulted by my indifference to them and that I prefer to work than to talk to them.
The world is made by extroverts. I have observed that people are eager to help you if you give them attention. I don’t get it, but neither I’m not going to change how extroverts think or feel.
If I give them the attention they need for as long as they need it I’m going to end up with daily headaches and neither my job nor theirs is going to be done.
I want to appear approachable, but keeping the info I feed them to a minimum. How do I do that?
What do you talk about to your coworkers?
What do you say to stop conversation organically? (meaning they don’t get offended).
Be boring rather than arrogant. If they ask what you did this weekend or what you’re doing later just say nothing really or watching TV and relaxing. Few words answers, when the conversation isn’t flowing naturally they will just think you’re boring and leave you alone.
Obviously this might not work for everyone but it’s worked for me everytime.
I am a chatty coworker, and I can confirm that this works.
Also whenever they share things about themselves never ask follow up questions. Okay. That sounds fun. Sounds kinda rude. But if you do it all the time they’ll just think you don’t know how to socialize
That’s what I do all the time, and not on purpose. I don’t know what’s wrong with me
And yet you just described it
There is nothing wrong with people being social at work. Strong personal relationships mean strong work relationships. And introverts need to understand that relationships matter. I say this as an introvert.
Don’t just be a robot at work. Recognize the need for good working relationships and that some level of personal interaction, and even friendship is OK at work. Today they need help, tomorrow you will need help.
To your point, I am very bad at that and work from home has really improved my productivity. See if you can wfh more. Also, sometimes you need to politely explain that you have to get something done to meet a deadline or meet priorities or whatever your situation is.
Also those bonds cary over to the professional career.
The very same coworker could be the ticket into a new company with greener pasture as a reference.Most people spend 40+ hours a week at work. It seems wild to me to be insufferable and unhappy for such a significant time of my life. I like befriending my coworkers. Fine if you don’t want to, I guess, but people like OP confuse me. We all have to work. Why not try to make the experience more enjoyable? It doesn’t mean you still can’t have a significant other or friends outside of work. The two aren’t mutually exclusive even though OP seems to weirdly make it out to be that way.
You can’t think of any reason at all why socializing at work could mean less socializing outside of work?
Interactions for the sake of knowledge sharing or joint problem sharing is a much different situation than what op is likely describing. They are more so concerned about personal questions aimed at them.
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Wow. You really have a chip on your shoulder, my friend. If that was a lecture then you are going to have a hard time in life. I would call that gentle advice.
Did I say the workplace is the only place you can go to meet people? Obviously I did not. You put words in my mouth, inappropriately. But in your original post you seem to say that you don’t want any sort of personal relationship at work. My point is that that is bad for your work/career/life.
Work imposes some level of relationships on you. Right? My point is that interpersonal relationships at work matter to your work/career/life.
I think you could benefit greatly from some counseling. It might help you to recognize unhealthy vs. healthy thought patterns.
Best wishes, my friend.
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wow. You are really thin skinned, friend. I wasn’t lecturing you, that was advice, gentle.
That was pure mockery of the style of the person you’re answering to.
Did you really want advice? Are you willing to accept it even if it contradicts some deeply ingrained notions you may have? Are you willing to compromise somewhat?
Did you really want advice?
sure, advice regarding the title of the post.
If some people choose to assume and put words in my mouth, I can return the favor.
Based on your attitude, you shouldn’t have any issues for long with people taking up your time
From OP’s replies to constructive criticism, it sure sounds like they want validation rather than advice. That’s ok too.
Are you sure you really have a problem with people wanting to talk to you too much? Tbh, you don’t sound like (just) an introvert, you sound like kind of a misanthrope and I can’t imagine your coworkers are clamoring for the total lack of charm you’re showing in this thread.
I’m an introvert who’s great at socializing, and yes, even the relationships you may not seek out can be important at work. If everyone thinks of you as quiet but nice, you’re a lot more likely to get promotions, raises, good references, etc, vs if everyone thinks you’re rude or closed off. You can straight up tell people you’re introverted and they’ll generally be cool with it, but think of the time you do spend chatting as an investment in your career.
I’m an introvert who’s great at socializing
how does that work? To me an introvert is a quiet person who keeps to herself and wants to be left alone. Because this person doesn’t bother anyone else she expects others to leave her alone as well, kinda I leave you alone, I don’t bother you, why must you bother me? If I need something from you, I’ll let you know.
Neither do I understand why some of my coworkers want to talk to me when I’m very visibly in the middle of something. My last 2 interactions with them were ‘I can talk to you when I’m done with this’, but what a total lack of awareness.
I don’t know if I’m a misanthrope
Being an introvert who’s great at socializing means you don’t have problems socializing but it drains your energy.
Strong assumptions can sometimes get in the way of understanding.
For instance you say “I’m in the middle of work, why would they interrupt me”.
There seems to be a strong assumption that the other person believes as you do that getting work done is the most important thing at work.
In my experience though, forming relationships for future connections and ensuring work is tolerable to enjoyable is more important to most than getting work done.
Introversion just means socializing tires you out instead of energizing you like it does for extroverts. It doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy it or avoid it. Way too many people conflate introversion with social anxiety, being awkward, or just plain not liking other people all that much, but it doesn’t necessarily involve any of those things.
If people are interrupting you, try headphones. If I really need to get something done, that’s what I do - even if someone still interrupts, it gives them a visual clue that I’m doing something else, and then I can say, “oh hey, just trying to focus on ____, what’s up?” If it’s important, they’ll get to it faster. If it’s not, most people will say they’ll catch you later. But if people are just generally trying to interact and you see it as bothering you, that’s more than introversion.
The comment doesn’t contradict itself. It explains the importance of relationships with coworkers, and then establishes common ground with you as a fellow introvert who works from home. They never claimed to be chatting it up in the office.
My advice to answer your question is to keep up this exact attitude, though.
People will probably keep asking until they learn that you don’t want to answer. This is just how most people work and I understand your frustration at being an outlier in this way.
You can’t control them feeling offended. You are behaving strangely to them and they’re struggling to make sense of you. The most reasonable explanation to them is that you dislike them, which they’ll construe as rude.
If you are direct with them, they might at least be able to make sense of you. “When I’m at work, I only want to work, then get out of here as soon as I can. That’s why I don’t socialize here. It’s nothing personal.”
Either they believe you or they don’t. You can’t make them believe you.
One last thing: just like you wish they’d stop making wrong assumptions about your motivations, you might consider challenging the assumptions you’re making about them.
Good luck.
This is not an introvert problem. You just hate people.
Yes because those two concepts are mutually exclusive. /s
Being introvert simply means you need to recharge from social situations after a while. You can still like hanging out with people, even with those damn coworkers.
Maybe being an introvert makes me hate dealing with people and other social situations. Why would anyone force themselves to do something they don’t like?
What you described is being
antisocialasocial, not introverted.*Asocial
Antisocial people actively fight against society. So like criminals raping and robbing. Asocial people just hate being around people.
Thanks. Fixed my comment.
Since you brought it, must be mutually exclusive again, right?
Mutually exclusive or not. Nothing in the description nor the original post depicts introvert behavior.
introvert noun someone who is shy, quiet, and prefers to spend time alone rather than often being with other people
I don’t know what kind of headcanon definition you have. Lots of people ITT seem to over complicate the concept when it’s just as simple as that.
If being an introvert is making you hate socializing, that means you don’t have sufficient recharge time in your life. How can you get more recharge time?
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If being an introvert is making you hate socializing, that means you don’t have sufficient recharge time in your life.
Bro, the fuck does this even mean? Why would I “recharge myself” with something I dread for something I don’t need. How would YOU know about me or what do I do in life? or my free time? Aren’t you just projecting?
Just tie everything back to work.
“My weekend? Oh, it was dreadful. Spent the whole time thinking about this project, and I really don’t want to spend next weekend thinking about it too, so I gotta get this done.”
“My hobbies? Oh man, I love Excel. The things you can do with it. I hear there are some great YouTube videos on it. It seems like you’ve got some down time; you should check them out! But I’ve got to get back to my spreadsheet now.”
lol, I’m using this
Parent comment is pretty much what I do, but toned down ofc. Just don’t talk about anything other than work. Someone asks how you’re doing? Say that work is going fine. Or say that it’s not great because work is piling up.
Someone ask what you did over the weekend? Planned for what to do next week at work
Essentially, for questions, replace every instance of “you” with “your work” and then answer that question. Works wonders
YOU just worked wonders 🫵
YOUR WORK is just wonders
What a weird post. OP asked a question then insulted half the people in here.
I feel your pain, and your post speaks to me almost as if I wrote it. To make it even worse, however, is that I’m now in management for the last two years, and have to put on an even more false front when all I want to do is work. One thing I have gotten better at, is being straightforward. Instead of just dodging around it and trying to let them down easy, just saying “I really need to finish this assignment I’m working on, can we talk about this another time?” Or “hey I appreciate you wanting to tell me about your entire weekend, hour by hour, but I have several things I need to get to working on, we’ll have to chat later” and then just stare at them until they leave. It was uncomfortable at first, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it lately, maybe give it a try?
The stare down of silence works everytime
It’s amazing how much you can make someone squirm by just giving them silent eye contact. Being autistic I basically have to manually calculate the appropriate amount of eye contact for any given interaction so I’m kind of an expert at this. Get it even a fraction of a second off and people tend to react way more than most people would imagine.
I’m also autistic lol, eye contact is so fickle
Lol. Course you are. I’m sure now that i’ve mentally registered your username I’ll be seeing it on all the subs i’m already on.
Had a look through your comment history to see how likely that was…
I also use Linux, I have an interest in FOSS for the purpose of privacy, I don’t knit but I crochet, im interested in self hosting, and I follow neurodivergency focused subs as well. See you around lol
If all you want is to get work done, why would you go into management?
I’m going to offer some practical advice that might help, but first there are also a few things I’d like to point out.
First of all, from reading your question and some replies in the thread - Is there any chance you might be neurodivergent (I think that’s the “proper” term. I mean what’s been known as low end autism or asperger)? Neurodivergent people have trouble understanding social cues/norms,and might have issues understanding why people act/react the way they do.
This is meant as a general observation that might be beneficial to understand the gap between you and other people, not as a judgment or way to imply there’s something wrong with you.
The second thing - the division between introverts and extroverts is kinda false. In reality, it’s like height - there are tall and short people, but most people are of generally average height. Like height, most people are towards the middle. You are probably on the end of the bell curve of extrovert-introvert. That’s something you need to understand. This also doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, but right now it looks like you’re acting like a 2.2 meter tall person who thinks everyone below 2 meters is short. Yes, society is built for people who are of mostly average “sociality”. Just like it’s built for people of mostly average height, and tall people might have issues finding clothes or having enough leg room in their car.
Most people expect some level of sociality with their co-workers. They aren’t necessary attention seekers or “extroverts”. That’s just the way their brains are wired. When they don’t get that social interaction, they will look for an explanation - Did they say something to offend you? Are you busy? In a bad mood? A standoffish person? Maybe you’re just shy, and they should initiate more interaction to make you more comfortable?
So, what you want to do is to answer those unasked questions in terms they can understand and without offending them. Imagine you’ve accidentally bumped into someone while walking. You’ll say something like “Oh, I’m so sorry for bumping into you, I was in a hurry. Are you alright? OK, sorry, again, have to run”.
If someone asks “How was your weekend?”, give a bland answer like “Oh, it was good/fine/ok”, then say “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound rude, but there’s a ton of stuff I need to get done” Say this in a tone like you’re apologizing for accidentally bumping into them. Then say “But look, if you’d like some help/advice/to tell me something about that [work related thing we have], I’d be happy to”. For most people, this conveys the message that (a) you’re trying to focus on work, (b) you really don’t mean to offend them and © you’d be happy to talk to them about work related stuff. Some people might ask you again next week. Give the same answer. Most of them will figure out you’re just always busy working and stop bothering you.
Two more things:
-
Do try and offer help in work related things once in a while - “Hey, I heard [work thing] is giving you trouble. I’ve actually had the same issue and would be happy to help”. This conveys you’re approachable on work-related things, and will make people more inclined to help you when needed.
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Walk fast and with a purpose. This serves a dual objective - to better convey that you’re always busy, and minimize interactions. The only question you’ll get is “why are you walking so fast?” or whatever. This can be handled by saying something casual like “you call this fast?”, “ah, you know how it is…” etc. without slowing down more than necessary.
Sounds like the neurodivergence you’re describing is autism, so the preferred term among autistic people (like me) is “autistic”.
But as you just demonstrated, the generalized term should be used when specifics aren’t available.
The comment I was replying to was specifically talking about autism.
" I think that’s the “proper” term. I mean what’s been known as low end autism or asperger)? "
Ah, I see now, my bad
Ok, got it, thanks. I was a bit shaky on the proper terms and didn’t want to be specific, so went with the most general one.
Neurodivergent people have trouble understanding social cues/norms,and might have issues understanding why people act/react the way they do.
if I don’t understand why people won’t leave me alone and keep pestering me and goading me onto talking to them, am I neurodivergent?
Am I neurodivergent if I think extroverts talk to each other because they feel that silence means something is wrong and they simply cannot phantom the idea that some people are different and react like most posters here: I hate people, I’m an asshole?
Am I neurodivergent if I ignore those that bother and bore me and talk to those that let me be? With these ones I open up because I feel they’re genuine. The problem is, these genuine humans are a small minority, whereas most people bore me. I don’t have time for people that bore me, but I can fake I tolerate them at work.
Not trying to get back at you, just my genuine questions.
Maybe you’re just shy, and they should initiate more interaction to make you more comfortable?
Please don’t.
Most people expect some level of sociality with their co-workers.
Then I’ll have to use strategies to feed them noise and give them attention so they calm down and let me work, as some posters suggested, till I find a better fitting job.
Is this a neurodivergent question? If my best is not good enough for my coworkers and manager, I need a new job.
So, what you want to do is to answer those unasked questions in terms they can understand and without offending them.
Gotcha. Good advice. Patience and learning to deflect.
-
I saw a video Jamie Hyneman made where he went to a comicon event (I think) and he just simply walked right through. He didn’t stop, but he was friendly and said hi to everyone he came across.
Despite being so famous, he never created a crowd, and he just kept on walking and saying hi.
I’ve applied this to the chatty Kathy’s at my work and it works every time. Just a quick “hey there!” without stopping. It never fails. Every once in a while I’ll stop so I don’t look like a jerk, but it works!
Based on your responses here, you fucking suck, so I’m surprised your coworkers bother giving you the time of day. Keep being you, and the “problem” of people trying to befriend and socialize with you will do in it’s own.
bliss
Don’t make me tap the sign 👇
https://www.streetcar.org/product/information-gladly-given-crew-neck-tee/
“I’d rather not talk about that right now.”
“Sorry, I have some work related things on my mind. Maybe another time.”
“Sorry but I don’t really have time to talk about that.”
I work in a small team, so fortunately, the number of extraverted people is quite low. I find, if I give the people that absolutely crave attention however much they want early in the day, that quiets them down considerably during the rest of the day. They’ll have flare-ups every now and then, and lunchtime is unavoidable, unfortunately, but with practice, I’ve become able to wear them out before they wear me out, if that makes sense. Good luck and peace be with you.
I’ve become able to wear them out before they wear me out
teach me, please
My strategy: chatty people love talking about themselves. If you give a brief but vague answer to their question and reflect it back to them or ask them for more details about it they’ll probably be happy to carry the conversation.
Think of it as the verbal equivalent of playing fetch with a problem dog. Even if you don’t want to play fetch it’s going to make the dog calmer. (I promise this isn’t meant in a derogatory way towards chatty people!)
An “I’m good thanks but I got to get back to this” is usually good enough for most people.
In terms of managers that aren’t happy with a “not now”, my suggestion is check in with them at the beginning or end of day, show what you’re planning for the day at the job and shoot the shit if that’s their thing. The trick is let them talk your ears off for up to like 5 minutes before you start focusing on your work, and if they ask questions about your weekend etc. go with “it was relaxing” and give general, vague answers. Respond to their ramblings with “wow, how did that go?” and stuff to have them go on. That should generally satiate their need to conversate with you for the day.
You have your needs to largely be left alone, they have their needs to be social, there is a way you each can get your fill. The rest of the day you can say you are busy and don’t have time for chat. Also, earbuds with music if you’re allowed that at your workplace to drown out most distractions.
Depends on what you don’t want to give out, an example such as you don’t want to divulge your marital status at all vs. you just don’t want to say what you do in your married life, will have the answer vary. But make it about them more and for the most part you’ll be fine.
Not giving much of your information will give you a bit of mysterious personality to people, but that’s inevitable unless you either share your personal life or straight up tell lies about who you are.
Not giving much of your information will give you a bit of mysterious personality to people
is that good or bad?
Neither nor, generally. It doesn’t bother me personally, it might to some, as when they try to draw up what they know about you and they come up blank it may feel slightly uncomfortable, but they can get over it and usually they put that fault on themselves not asking the question.
When I tell my parents about a new coworker, they always ask “where are they from?”, and they expect me to either make a guess or have asked that question in the first week. I don’t usually ask someone that as it’s not pertinent information to me, unless I figure it out through context clues or when the topic goes to that after we are more familiar and share more.
Damn OP, I felt that in my bones. You basically described what my life was like when I worked in finance.
What pissed me off the most was that it’s apparently not good enough for extroverts if you just keep to yourself and do your work quietly; they have to seek you out and disturb you just to get the attention that they think you owe them.
You basically described what my life was like when I worked in finance.
are you now at least on a better place?
What pissed me off the most was that it’s apparently not good enough for extroverts if you just keep to yourself and do your work quietly; they have to seek you out and disturb you just to get the attention that they think you owe them.
yup, absolute lack of awareness
actually I may need to quit this job or at least quit my coworkers.
